House of Muffin

Gosh I really feel like having a flirt.
I used to be a bit of a fox and  now I feel like I haven't stretched those muscles in such a long time.  I don't even know if I can anymore.
Do you get past it?

My 17 month old is quite the chatterbox.  Here is what she says on a regular basis now.

Mum/ Mummy/ Mumma
Dad/ Daddy/ Daddo
Oliver
Bubba
Nanna
Archie (my sister Nicole's baby boy)

 Puppy
Teddy

 More
No more
Nooooooooooo!
Ta

Off
Oh-oh!
Ouch!
Bad

Nana (Banana)
Tana (Sultanas)
Biccy
Tottle (bottle)
Papple (apple)
Ninner (dinner)
Bowl
Ba-boots (boots)
Shoes
Bubbles
Bff (bath)


Melmo (Elmo)
Nernie (Ernie)
Arrrsey! (Upsy Daisy)
Too Too (Thomas the Tank Engine)
Poo Beer! (Pooh Bear)
Bee
Arf (Giraffe)
Moo Moo (toy cow)
Turtle

 Park
Goal! (Dale taught her this one, watching the footy!!)
Ball
Car
Two
Purple 
People (occasionally)

  Animal sounds (monkey, cat, cow, rabbit etc)

Apparently they are meant to have 20 words by 18 months and she has at least 42 and that's not counting random things she parrots and doesn't say again
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I love these pinnies my mum made her.

Ps.  Is it any fucking wonder I don't post on Bluelight these days.. how frikking boring am I now!!! LOL!!  Arrrgh

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So some recent things that have happened is she went to a birthday party for a 2 year old at Maccas and had an absolute BALL.... discovered her first love of chicken nuggets and chips (god help us) and also we found the worlds most awesome park near us which has toddler-friendly play equiptment, it has been a saviour on days I've been bored out of my skull with nothing to do with her and no money... unfortunatlely melbourne weather is a bitch and thus you have to find other entertainment on rainy days... library is great, also shopping centres, but they make you spend money on shit you dont' need :D

had a few close calls recently.  She was running around nudie after her bath and slipped on a puddle of wee and put her top teeth through her top lip.  You cannot believe the amount of blood that comes out of a lip. ew
And today! Climbing up and down the stairs outside (concrete stairs) she slipped and I just caught her on the 2nd step, she did hit her head but not too bad but god I swear she is a mountain goat and it's exhausting.

When I was young I used to quiz my mum on her goals and ambitions and she'd say "the best thing I ever did was raise you kids" - and I used to think (not always to myself!), how can being a mum be something you DO?  Isn't it just something you are, by default... something you DO is like a career, or be famous, or invent something, or write a novel... just shows how much you have no idea before you have kids.

Now I know exactly what she meant.  Being a good mum doesn't just happen, even when the instinct comes naturally... it's a skill, it's an art, you are constantly in university doing your homework.  It's the biggest most epic novel you'll ever write and it's being written on the blank pages of a fresh new life.

You honestly don't realise when you are growing up just how instrumental your parents are, or what they sacrificed....they weren't really people as such...for you, they are just background - behind the scenes - there, in the middle of the night when you wake, there holding your hair back when you spew, there making you eggs on toast before your netball game.  It's only when you become a parent yourself you start to see them through a new filter and realise how your children might see you.  And it's okay.  What you get is why your mum is okay with what little crumbs of love and gratitude you threw to her - or could brush it off when you didn't - because when you're a mum, the job comes with inbuilt satisfaction and you're just happy when they're happy, as if someone shone a light through you to them.

I used to naively think that I'd be back at work full time a year after my daughter was born... lol... you don't understand how much they need you, and how you'll do anything to be with them.  That said, I absolutely love my 2-3 days at work per week, it's not about being a martyr... but things change, you change but you stay the same..... and who'd have thought, certainly not the 19 year old me, that I'd consider my life in the 'burbs with a bub in jammies and a DVD the pinnacle of satsifaction :D

I can honestly agree with mum now that this 'job' is my greatest achievement - but not only that, it's the greatest show on earth and I'm privilaged to be watching.

At the same time I feel a bit disenfranchised... a bit, in between worlds.  I am deleriously happy but the people with whom I can share that are the kind of dull, boring folk whom I wouldn't have had a bar of 10 months ago.  The people who I really want to understand what this is like are still not quite there, or  maybe I wish that the people who DO know and who I do love and respect were a bit closer to the world I just left.

Am I the only gadwdamned ex drug fucked new mum dealing with this new life out there.
There isn't a forum for us. :(

I don't know where to turn.

I am
Watching a movie where a young boy's face crumples at the thought of his dead mother
And it strikes me
now, I have someone who will love me like that

I am
Standing over her bassinette as she sleeps
Watching her pale cheeks in the half light

I am 
Prying her tiny complete fingers apart to see if the curves match mine

I am smelling her hair
instead of eating my dinner
Listening to her music from the monitors

I am exploding when I see her gummy grin

I am smiling when friends talk of going out and hitting it hard
It's another world
I been there

Here is amazingness they have yet to know

I am
a new mum.

It's probably about time I posted about the best and worst day of my life, 14 Feb 2008.   I'm not censoring this because I can't be bothered, so if you have a weak stomach or are squeamish about 'girl things', please don't read further.   It's full of detail.   I want to write it out so I remember, because even an experience like this starts to fade.

It's the full story of what happened with my baby's birth.    And... let's just say I'm very lucky to be here.

The labour itself all went well. I was induced about 9pm (with the gel), and around 2.30am started feeling cramps.  By 3.30am I was in full on labour and the contractions were immediately strong and frequent - 1 or 2 minutes apart. I'm like 'Hang on, where's this 20 minutes apart I've read about???'. I was so sure I'd be an ace with the pain - but it knocked me for six. Think - cross between the worst period pain you've ever had (guys: maybe, being kicked in the balls), and Mel Gibson having his guts pulled out in Braveheart.   It was unrelenting.  Horrible.  I think I'd have been able to manage if I had breaks, but there were no breaks, my labour was galloping along from the very beginning.

But I managed by squeezing a stress ball and swearing lots for nearly four hours. I never used anything in my ridiculously over-packed labour bag - incense, massage oils, bach flower remedies - MAGAZINES!  ha! as if. I packed the silliest things, I seriously could slap myself for being so naiive.   I could barely open my eyes or move from my chair!

However despite the pain it was all normal so far. The 'gas' and even a pethadine shot wasn't helping the pain (yes, I was pro-drug, surprise suprise ;) )  so around 7am I opted for an epidural. OMG... BLISS! The anaesthetic went in the needle in my spine and for next 3 hours I spent sitting up in bed chatting to the nursing staff while the contractions dilated me from 4cm to 10cm (full) without me even knowing about it. Around 10am they turned the epidural down (or it wore off a bit?) so I could feel to push. I am so proud.... I pushed so well, 4 major pushes and she was out, squealing and fat with a shock of red hair, at 10.28am.   I didn't tear.   I actually quite enjoyed the pushing bit believe it or not, it was quite extraordinary and I felt very powerful and strong.   I held my beautiful baby girl for about 10 minutes, in shock at most remarkable thing I'd ever experienced in my life.

Then things started to go wrong.

My placenta wasn't coming out, so the doc put me on a syntocin drip, which brought the contractions back and was agonising.   It was worse than the initial contractions.   I had to hand the baby to Dale.   I could feel warm gushing and could see a trolley full of bloody towels piling up at the foot of the bed. I had haemorraged and was losing lots of blood, rapidly. I didn't know it at the time, but my uterus had 'Inverted'; collapsed in on itself and 'partially prolapsed', meaning it was coming out with the placenta.   My body was trying to birth one of my internal organs, to put it bluntly!   (This is an extremely rare and dangerous postpartum event - nurses afterwards told me that in their whole 20-25 years of midwifery they'd never seen another case. It was one of those text book things they train for but never expect to happen; something like a one in 100,000 complication).

I begged them to turn the epidural up, or something, because by now I was in the worst kind of pain I could possibly describe.  I remember feeling incredibly cold, and wanting to throw up.  Then I remember an anethaesist putting a mask over my face and that was it. 

They stabilised me at SE Private then sent me to the Intensive Care Unit of Monash on 'Life Support', meaning I was intubated with a machine breathing for me.

It was about 7pm that night when they decided my heart and lungs could handle operating on their own.  I was concious when they took the tube out of my throat and that was horrible.   A doctor came to talk to me: I learned that they had had to stop the bleeding by packing me with gauze (this is where the 3rd degree perenium tear and subsequent stiches came from, from the obstetrician up to his elbow shoving in bandages... not from the birth!).

Then they tipped me upside down and inserted a balloon which they then filled with saline solution to push the uterus back inside. It's a very new technology and I was extremely lucky that my OB was one of the very few in Australia who had done a balloon surgery before. I was even a bit of a curiosity at Monash, with scores of doctors trundling in to whisper at the foot of my bed about the 'balloon'. Not for the first time I thanked GOD for going with the best OB I could find, and having private health insurance!

Thursday and Friday I was still in a stable-but-critical condition. I had lost 80% of my blood which had to be replaced with 8 transfusions. I was on IV painkillers, IV antibiotics, IV fluids, IV syntocin; had intranasal oxygen, a catheter, a drainage tube for the balloon, heartrate monitors and electronic compression bandages on my legs. The picture below shows my arms 5 days afterwards - 37 injection sites, and three in my feet because all my veins in my arms collapsed. Worst of all was when they sent in the hospital's chief obstetrics specialist to inform me that I wasn't out of the woods yet; if they removed the balloon and I bled again, I would face having a hysterectomy at 32.  I signed a consent form and bawled my eyes out :(

Not being able to see or hold my baby was the most heart wrenching part.
I had to make do with a picture of my baby blu-tacked to the end of my ICU bed, telling anyone who would listen they had to fix me up quick and get me back to my child.   I wasn't the only one suffering.  You can only guess the trauma it caused to Dale... who saw the whole gruesome thing... and my poor mum, who'd arrived with a big bunch of flowers to see her first grandchild to be told her daughter was fighting for her life.   It's been a hell of a time for everyone.

But obviously this story has a happy ending. The surgery to remove the balloon went beautifully, and I was released back to South Eastern Private to see my beautiful Scarlett on Saturday afternoon 16th Feb.  I spent another week recovering in the SE Private with my baby then came home.   I'm far from 'recovered' in many ways (anaemic, stiches, very weak and painful legs from inactivity, severe constipation, bruised) but feeling very lucky indeed. The "family" pic was taken on the day we came home. Everything's healing, slowly, and more importantly Scarlett and I are making up for lost time. My OB even says I shouldn't have trouble with subsequent pregnancies with proper observation.

She is just so gorgeous! She is doing really well although we haven't been able to breastfeed initally because of my complications, pain and fluid loss; I am expressing now though and milk is slowly coming in. But she's healthy and happy regardless. One of the positives out of the whole thing is that while I was at Monash, Dale had to take over the baby care and so now he's an absolute machine at nappy changes, feeding and settling.  He's better than me!   I can't find words to express how I feel about Dale and how he stepped up to the plate when he was needed.... I get all choked up just thinking about it, him left stranded with a baby in his arms while I was whisked away with a thousand tubes coming out of me in an ambulance.  How lonely and frightened he must have been, and yet how fucking strong he was for me.

An experience like this really makes you appreciate your friends and your support network, and life in general really.  You can't help but talk in cliches, so I'm sorry.     But it's true.   And I look at this child now and I can say, unbelievably, that I would do it all again, I would go to the brink of death and more for her; so now, mums - I understand.


Straight after the birth... before all the s!@# went down!

Scarlett on Day 1... sleeping off the birth

Daddy gave her the first bath... they have bonded beautifully

Going Home last Thursday

My beautiful red-haired princess

Mummy's poor arms!

2 weeks to goooooo....... !!

I can't believe I've been on maternity leave now for nearly a week and a half.  It has flown, and now there's only 2 weeks to go 'till D-day... that's if she arrives then.  I have a sneaking feeling the little angel will be late.  It doesn't feel like she's going anywhere; I've had no Braxton Hicks like they say I "should" by this stage, although her head is certainly in the right position (if by right, they mean RIGHT ON MY BLADDER)

I'm as big as I think it's humanly possible for a person to get.  Except perhaps those people you see on TV who have to be lifted with a crane out of their apartment still seated on their couch :D  The skin on my belly is so stretched you can see little blue veins. But happily no stretch marks which is some kind of miracle.  Still the doc's saying she's only a "normal" size - a 7 pounder probably.  It's probably just a lot of baby to fit in my little torso.

But enough about me, let's talk more about me!  sorry this journal is so bloody egocentric.

I won't deny it, the past week and a half has been blissful.  I have to pinch myself some days to make sure I'm not dreaming and I actually have to go to work.  But no, the days stretch ahead with nothing to do and I couldn't be happier; no scratch that, I could only be happier if allowed to drink alcohol and the location were beach-side.

Have actually done some constructive things in amongst lots of reading & dvd watching.  I've cooked up a storm.  I got the car serviced ($470 fucking dollars later! damn brakes!), took the cat to the vet (he hadn't had a checkup for... oh.... 4 years?), sold a bunch of stuff on ebay, got new windscreen wipers.  You know, the sort of things you always say "Oh I should DO that some day".  That day has come!   Plus, I've had a massage and booked in for a pedicure, meeting friends for lunch, going to the cinema.  Even just waddling aimlessly around a shopping centre is fun.   It feels utterly indulgent after... fuck.. how many years working?  It feels aaaaawwwesome.

And the best thing about this leave is I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about it.  I saved my ass off and haven't taken a holiday in 18 months, so am pretty much living off my annual leave right now, I earned this break in every way possible.    Enjoy while you can, everyone says. 

What I did today:

7am - Woke up 'cause Dale went to work.  Lay in bed awake-ish, with the cat
8am - Got up, had breakfast reading the papers
8.30am - Went back to bed.  Read a few pages of book, fell asleep again!
10am - woke up, had shower, hung some washing out
11am - Baked a quiche
11.45am - Baked a cheesecake
12.30pm - Had lunch
1pm - Surfed the internet
2pm - Watched 3 episodes of Love My Way series 3 on DVD 
4.15pm - made Dale's lunch
4.30- now - farting around on the internet again

This entry is to remind me what life was like "back then".  It'll be interesting back post - baby to compare ,... LOL.

 1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Got pregnant!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I was asleep before midnight this year, my resolution was to keep cool!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes two of my good friends, Carmel and Kerrie, had their beautiful bubbas in 2007.  We're in a baby boom in our group.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my husband's neice... of a heart & lung condition... she was only 10.  Very sad. 

5. What countries did you visit?
None sadly... travel on the backburner for now!

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A baby?  That's kind of inevitable at this stage ;)  

7. What date[s] from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
late May - crashed my car! Cost $4000
June - discovered I was pregnant!  
July - K dies
September - moved house
October - 1st wedding anniversary

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Saving up nearly $6,000  in 8 months for the baby - not including everything we've had to buy!.
(We could have doubled this even if it weren't for the $4k car accident + $2k in Obstetric fees.  We've been a saving machine!)

Also.... Quitting smoking!   Haven't taken a puff since June.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't feel like I've failed at anything this year.... for the first time in a very long time. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Very severe flu in late July, otherwise quite healthy!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
All the baby nursery furniture & baby stuff, was awesome fun to shop for :)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Me.. hehe.... anyone who knows me will know how hard giving up drinking has been.
Dale... thankyou for taking this daunting life step in your stride like a true gentleman
My brothers .... one graduated uni and was instantly headhunted by a top software company, the other won an academic scholarship to Melbourne Uni (and he's only in Year 11).

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I can't think of anyone right now.... I've been more inclined to be happy than depressed .... sure there was something

14. Where did most of your money go?
See above.   Several thousand on baby stuff and medical bills; and the rest into savings for maternity leave.  

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Babies!  Leaving work!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Anything by PINK. 

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Much healthier, more financially sorted, and grounded.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I miss partying :(  Will be looking forward to playing up for old times' sake at some stage in 2008.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing about my baby.  At every step of the way things have been fine, there's been a lot of tears over imaginary nothings.
Less eating junk food in 1st trimester... hopefully giving birth helps slim your thighs.

20. How did you spend Christmas/Hanukah?
With my family at my house X-mas Eve/ morning, and a big family lunch at the in-laws X-mas day.  And asleep by 6pm. :)

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2007?
Crashing my car in an at-fault accident :(

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
yes with the little life growing inside me

23. How many one-night stands?
sex, what's that?

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Prison Break, Biggest Loser, Supermodel

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope I have only rainbows and fluffy bunnies in my head right now.  It's quite sickening :)

26. What was the best book you read?
"The Heroin Diaries" - Nicki Sixx (bass player from Motley Crue).  I love a good rock bio.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pink.  

28. What did you want and get?
A baby

29. What did you want and not get?
A house.  Got a new rental though.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Nothing stands out immediately

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32... I don't think we did anything this year?  Went out to dinner maybe?  Gosh I really can't remember - this survey is revealing some worrying memory loss :)

32. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning tatslotto!  Would have been nice not to have to work through my pregnancy, and stress about affording maternity leave.
Having a home of our own... but only with the accompanying increase in funds to afford it

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Ever -expanding strechy garments, and thongs.

34. What kept you sane?
Chocolate, books, and the occasional glass of wine, very occasionally just so I didn't feel completely deprived of every vice.   *Lord don't strike me dead*

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
James McEvoy... drool

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Honestly couldn't give a fig about politics... although I did swing to Labour this year for the 1st time, probably mostly over Work Choices.

37. Who did you miss?
My mum... more than ever, growing my own baby, I wanted her closer

38. Who was the best person you met?
Haven't exactly been a social butterfly, can't answer that one :)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
There's more to life than drinking and partying.... true!
The process of creation of a new life is the most fascinating thing you'll ever experience... a natural high like you would not believe

These were from last weekend when we went to the Gold Coast for Dale's work Christmas party. Wish we had longer there, but it was awesome all the same.

getting bigger aren't I! 8 weeks to go I can't believe it.

According to AdNews there are currently 8,866 applications on Facebook. Wouldn't surprise me :D
(The most popular being Top Friends, FunWall, Superwall, Superpoke and Video, respectively). You learn something new every day.

Dale and I had a huge fight last night. My cat meowed at the bedroom door in the middle of the night, he bellowed shut the fuck up at the top of his lungs, woke me up, i got a fright and started to cry... then because I am emotional and hormonal, continued to cry and rant about his insensitivity for about an hour. Naturally. During which time doors were slammed and he went to sleep on the couch. But seriously. Who wakes up an 8 months pregnant woman in the middle of the night, FFS. It's hard enough getting to sleep as it is when turning over in bed takes half an hour.

So I'm tired today, and cranky. And work emails have gone missing - whole folders of them, and it's beyond frustrating. They've changed servers at work and all our old emails are "meant" to be slowly filtering through to our "new" inbox... well it's been 2 days now and all that's filtered back is my Junk Mail and Deleted Items. I still don't have any contacts, no saved folders, no sent items and nothing from my original inbox - and there's stuff I'm sure I'm meant to be following up on. Bleh. I'm so over work it's not even funny.

Final antenatal class tonight, learning about bringing the baby home, and breastfeeding. We flew through the others, I was quite the smarty pants actually because I've read soooo much. I have a feeling I've annoyed a few people by being a bit of a know it all, one of those people with their arm in the air "ooh ooh pick me" all the time. But it's been useful regardless, having a real live person (midwife) to ask questions to.... and believe me, I've asked EVERYTHING. My theory is to stuff as much knowlege in my head as humanly possible, examine this thing from all conceivable angles, and then hopefully I will be prepared. That's the theory.

I've started packing my hospital bag too. Did you know you need 3 packs of maternity pads? I never even knew such things existed. Scary.

Taken last Friday at 28.5 weeks.

Here's a few things they don't tell you about pregnancy.

1. Gigantism of the boobs is a real concern. When your jugs go from a pleasant D to a 'poke someone's eye out' EE and still appear to be growing daily, it's not fun. It's not sexy. They're just sort of scary. And any bras which bravely attempt to contain said mammoth mammories could double as your grandma's curtain lining. Not to mention they're lacking underwire, designed to make one's bust resemble a 2nd bum crack on one's chest.

2. Shaving legs in the shower requires the balance and patience of a Master Yogi. Where before it was a simple matter of bending down in the shower, with a fitball-sized stomach in the way this becomes - well - impossible. So if Mohammed (meaning one's upper body) won't come to the mountain (the legs), the mountain must come to Mohammed. Step 1: balance on one leg, lifting the other up in "Tree Pose" and swiftly apply shaving cream all over. Lower leg, locate razor. Step 2: Lift leg again and shave inside lower leg, while grasping tap for balance. Accidentally turn tap and scream as burning water scalds mammoth breasts. Step 3: Do legs-apart squat, placing razor at front of leg. Rise, dragging razor up the front of lower leg. Squat again, reposition razor. Rise again. Repeat until front of leg done. Step 4: Transfer razor to left hand and do one leg balance again, this time kicking heel out to the side, to attempt to shave outside leg.

Rest for several hours.
Repeat for next leg.
Pay $3000 water bill every month.

Don't even ask me what goes on for bikini lines.

3. Passion in the bedroom is rapidly displaced by an ever-growing mountain of pillows. You'll need a pillow for your head, one for under your bump, one for between your legs, and one for behind your back. If your partner ever manages to make physical contact over the Great Pillow wall of China, it's probably to prod you because you are snoring like a ride-on mower.

4. There really is no earthly limit to the amount of times one can go to the toilet. In some ways it would be easier to simply sit there most of the day, conducting business from a laptop and sleeping there too. I'm sure all the pillows could be arranged to make it most agreeable.



I'm sure there's more

I just watched the appalling Becoming Jane on DVD on the weekend but thankfully, this gorgeous creature was eye-candy enough to keep me interested.

James McEvoy.... MMM MMMM! I'm in lurve. I know I'm married and about to pop out a kid but a girl can still have her fantasies.

You can rip my bodice anyday James! *swoon*

They've just hired the 'new girl' at work. The one who is going to take over from me for maternity leave, but will also be staying on when I get back.

She's lovely, she's extremely qualified, has oodles of experience, and I'm totally intimidated :( :( :(

I feel like she's better than me already. I've been at the company 8 years and know my job inside out, but I never had any formal PR qualifications and am just scared that this smart, bright, confident girl is going to totally eclipse me. When I get back she's meant to be 'under' me as such, but I know she's going to do such a good job I'll feel like a total fool, a fraud. I'm really scared her competence IS going to show me up for the mediocre job I'm doing, especially shedding light on things like my reluctance to use the telephone and my fear of dealing with broadcast media. She's placed celebrities on GMA for god's sake.

I'm really scared I'll come back and she'll have done something absolutely brilliant and I'll be pretty much redundant... a bit of 'where do we put her now' sort of thing. Why couldn't they just hire a fucking newb out of uni who I'd feel comfortable in my seniority to?

:(

Ooh it's all Halloweeny on LJ today. Cool.

It's been a while.. as usual.... sorry folks. I am sad to admit that I have been cheating on you, LiveJournal. I have another internet lover now. Facebook is my secret shame these days, like ten trillion other lemmings yes, I finally succumbed. It was only a couple of days ago and already I've been lured deep into its vampiric time-sucking portal of death.

But I'm back for a bit to say hi here. And add some pics :)

Things are going great. I'm over 6 months pregnant now and FINALLY have a belly worth showing. That is to say, the belly has now overtaken the boobs, which makes me look properly pregnant and not just like an especially dumpy round person with normal arms and legs.

I'm finding the weight gain a little hard to handle... about 9kg so far and I really don't get why it's necessary for my ass to expand at the same time as my belly... I'm not, as far as I'm aware, carrying a baby in my buttocks. But from talking to other mums this is a pretty normal occurrance, it's 'breastfeeding fat' so they say and necessary, and only semi-starved Hollywood freaks don't change shape anywhere but their cute little belly. So that's a relief.

However take note people: here's some words you should scratch from your vocabulary when talking to a pregnant woman.

BIG. LARGE. HUGE. MASSIVE. GIGANTIC! < or derivatives thereof.

No woman, and I repeat no woman, whether she's a 40kg supermodel or carrying triplets, likes to be told they're big. It's not a compliment. Don't say it. Just dont. You say "big" and mean it in a neutrally observant or even a flattering way, but we hear: FAT SLOB.

There's one particularly grating woman at my work, who, whenever she sees me screetches at the top of her voice: "Oh my god you're SO HUGE!!!!!!!! No really, you're really MASSIVE!!! Are you sure it's not TWINS!! Oh wow, you get BIGGER every time I see you!"

Is murder legal under these circumstances? I think it should be.

In other news... we've finally got the nursery set up and it's so gorgeous! I am having an absolute ball buying baby stuff... little baby girls clothes are all so darned adorable, it's addictive. I think I have found my new addiction to replace chemicals. Buying 000 singlets and booties. It's a sickness :)

Finally got around to posting an update.

Well, we had our 19 week scan a little while ago, and found out we are having a...

GIRL! :) < this is me grinning uncontrollably

Dale was (I think) a tad disappointed but I couldn't be happier, I have always, always wanted a little girl - it's just a dream come true. Even better, she is perfect and normal in every way, growing beautifully, heart rate, lung function terrific, a very healthy normal baby. And beautiful too, as you can see from the pic ;) I feel so, so blessed.

Dale will be the biggest softie dad you've ever seen. He's started talking to my belly: "Hello little girl! Daddy loves you!". And refers to me as "the girls" ("How's my girls going?"). It's so cute. One of the most beautiful things about this pregnancy has been witnessing his metamorphisis from being unsure about fatherhood to waiting for his child like it's Christmas eve. That and the beautiful dynamic between us as we simultaneously come to grips with this huge event.

It's really humbling how a little bunch of cells can completely turn your world upside down and inside out, and help you fall in love all over again in the most surprising of ways.

How it can heal your view of yourself and make you feel right about being here; purposeful again, whole again.

So hello little girl. hello. mummy loves you so much.

Lord....
Grant me a padded cell where I can go quietly insane about the things I cannot change;

Oodles of money to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to aim carefully as I take out all the
serene people who think they know the difference.

:P :D


Eh... I'm feeling a bit better today I guess. Just had an offer of a trailer (with a cage) from work, so that's going to save us $50 at least, and if there's anything that can improve my mood right now it's saving money.

All of my SECOND lot of invoices have come in after Medicare lost my first set, so I'm sending them off today and hopefully should finally get my $150 gap refund. And tomorrow's the "BIG DAY"... no, not moving day, but even more exciting... it's my 20-week scan where I find out what flavour baby I'm having! Dale is going to come too and we get to take away a DVD of the baby moving about and finally we can start calling it a "he" or "she" rather than "it".

So I no longer want to kill Dale when he says "It's all going to be fine!!!" (Homer: Anger. Rising). Cause well, it mightbe... just might. be. maybe

;)

I'm so bad at updating this thing these days.

Firstly, some news - we found a new place to rent, yay! It's a really nice 3-bedroom in Dandenong North, built in wardrobes, polished floorboards throughout, decor not too 70's, new kitchen. And best of all, it has a MASSIVE double garage/workshop/rumpus room type thing out the back. It's seriously HUGE. You could fit four cars, maybe five. We'll only need to fit one, and the rest of it we're going to make into a kind of club room type thing, with some couches, a TV, phone (there's a phone line there, and a potbellied stove), maybe a pool table if we can find a cheap 2nd hand one. It's really awesome. So be nice to me and I might invite you to our clubroom ;)

Apart from that, things have been shit. Moving is a lot of stress, and no-body seems to want to help us. Despite the fact we busted our gut moving all of Dale's family on their various moves in the last 5 years or so, none of them are "available" to help us on Saturday. Seems our move inconveniences their weekend plans. I can't tell you how mad that makes me.

Most of our (male) friends are going to a bucks' day that day too. And I'm not only pregnant but have also injured my hamstring, so I'm worse than useless for lifting. I just feel so helpless and am panicking right now, and it doesn't help that Dale doesn't seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation and is having a "she'll be right mate" attitude.

I came home last night and went completely Pregzilla on his ass, ranting and raving about why isn't he stressing more, and what's wrong with him, booo hoo ahhhahahah boo hoo. Felt like a right idiot afterwards. Ooops.

Anyway. I'm having beauracratic hassles with Medicare and my bank at the moment as well, just to make everything more perfect. Glass half empty, anyone? I want the happy hormones back please!!!!!!

I could have sworn I look 10x fatter than this. You can't see the buddah belly at all.

But for all those itchy for a belly shot, this is for you - taken Friday night, at 15wks, 2 days. Not that impressive just yet, sorry. But I will keep you updated.